‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’
“The fock is going on here?” I go. Because – yeah, no – I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws sitting in front of t...
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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly Podcast Guide
Listen to Ross O'Carroll-Kelly, a Comedy podcast by Ross O'Carroll-Kelly. Stream 596 episodes in English, follow new audio stories, and play episodes online on Radio and Podcast.
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20 of 596 episodes‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man
So me and Ronan swing out to – believe it or not – Bray, just to see how my old man is getting on. I’ve a bet with him that he won’t last th...
‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’
I absolutely despise Christian’s wife, Lauren. I say it as well. Not to her face obviously. Sorcha goes, “Ross, you shouldn’t despise anyone...
We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind
So the latest “thing” in our house is the Swedish death clean . For those of you who aren’t married to Sorcha Lalor, this is a decluttering...
‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’
The old man says he thinks he might not live long enough to see Leinster win the European Cup again. I tell him I’m only 46 years old and I’...
‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’
Sorcha says she’s – oh my God – so excited about Saturday and I tell her I am too. She goes, “These are the moments, aren’t they?” Which is...
‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’
So what do you think? Yeah, no, Nicola – as in, like, Honor’s girlfriend – is showing me a watch that she bought from, like, Tiffany of all...
‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’
The old man asks me if I’ve been boning up on my Spanish ahead of the trip to Bilbao. I’m like, “Is that where Bilbao is? In Spain?” I hones...
I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?
So I’m in the gym and I’m bench-pressing, I don’t know, something ridiculous, when all of a sudden there’s someone standing over me and – ye...
‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word
The old man is sitting in the corner of what was once Shanahan’s on the Green, sucking on a Cohiba the size of a Daihatsu exhaust. Hosted on...
‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’
Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of...
‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’
“Come in,” she goes. This is Bernie I’m quoting – word for word, by the way – as in, like, Bernie the mother of Claire from, like, Bray of a...
We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’
“Stop!” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, we’re driving through Donnybrook at the time. I generally slow down anyway as we’re passing the spot where Ki...
‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it
The airport is absolutely rammers and I’m in – it has to be said – scintillating form, so much so that Sorcha actually remorks on it. Hosted...
‘We’re losing, like, 32-0. The Blackrock first years are taking us aport’
I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is actually happening ? Yeah, no, you always try to think about worst case scenarios in your head –...
‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’
This is me in my – yeah, no – absolute happy place. Castlerock College jersey with the collar popped. Rugby Tactics Book under my orm. The m...
‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’
So it’s, like, 11 o’clock on Sunday morning and I’m hord at work – albeit still in bed – making notes in my famous Rugby Tactics Book. Sorch...
‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’
“Kicker!” the old man has the actual nerve to go. “To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more...
‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’
Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And it’s far from it. I could give her a list of 50 things, except I doubt if it would h...
The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’
There’s no sugar-coating this one. We’ve been taken to the literally cleaners today. Yeah, no, beaten 45-10 by – and there’s easy way of say...