At the end of the summer, just like the rest of you, I’m sick of the sight of my children
I think I’m on the record as saying that being a parent is one of those things that I just happen to be very, very good at without having to...
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Comedy
Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
Episodes
20 of 602 episodes‘Your father’s playing golf in Doonbeg,’ Hennessy goes. ‘While the cat’s away, the mice will fornicate’
Hennessy is grinning like a dog trying to pass a laundry ball through its urinary tract. Yeah, no, for five days now, me and Bernie from Bra...
Charlie is serious about marrying this woman. You haven’t heard the worst of it yet. No prenup
Hennessy actually laughs when he sees me sitting at the bor with a pint of the old Dutch medicine in front of me. He’s like, “What the hell...
‘Oh my God! Your dad’s new girlfriend has entered the Wicklow Pollock Queen competition!’
Everybody knows about the Dalkey Lobster Festival. It’s coming up in, like, two weeks’ time, and Sorcha is already practising her walk and w...
‘My son has opened a museum celebrating criminality. I wish people would stop asking if I’m proud’
All of Ronan’s old mates are there. We’re talking Buckets of Blood. We’re talking Stacks of Money. We’re talking Nudger. We’re talking Gull....
The old man has a Tesco Clubcord. Jesus, it’s worse than I thought
The old man looks wretched. I say it to him as well. I’m like, “You look focking wretched – worse than usual" Hosted on Acast. See acast.com...
‘Wait a minute, are you telling me there’s a World Cup in soccer?’
“The fock is going on here?” I go. Because – yeah, no – I’ve arrived home to find my wife, my four sons and my in-laws sitting in front of t...
‘Your accent is up and down like a focked umbrella,’ I tell the old man
So me and Ronan swing out to – believe it or not – Bray, just to see how my old man is getting on. I’ve a bet with him that he won’t last th...
‘I’m not giving that kid the money. Not a focking chance’
I absolutely despise Christian’s wife, Lauren. I say it as well. Not to her face obviously. Sorcha goes, “Ross, you shouldn’t despise anyone...
We filled a skip with all the things Sorcha decided she can live without, until she changed her mind
So the latest “thing” in our house is the Swedish death clean . For those of you who aren’t married to Sorcha Lalor, this is a decluttering...
‘Nobody can say I haven’t put my body on the line for this Leinster team’
The old man says he thinks he might not live long enough to see Leinster win the European Cup again. I tell him I’m only 46 years old and I’...
‘Ross, it’s a very simple choice. It’s me or it’s Leinster. You decide’
Sorcha says she’s – oh my God – so excited about Saturday and I tell her I am too. She goes, “These are the moments, aren’t they?” Which is...
‘Ross, I think you’re finally getting your comeuppance from the universe’
So what do you think? Yeah, no, Nicola – as in, like, Honor’s girlfriend – is showing me a watch that she bought from, like, Tiffany of all...
‘Dude, you’re not in Ballsbridge now,’ I tell the old man. ‘This is Las f**king Braygas!’
The old man asks me if I’ve been boning up on my Spanish ahead of the trip to Bilbao. I’m like, “Is that where Bilbao is? In Spain?” I hones...
I have zero interest in her in that way – is it weird that I want to spend time with this girl?
So I’m in the gym and I’m bench-pressing, I don’t know, something ridiculous, when all of a sudden there’s someone standing over me and – ye...
‘There’s nothing wrong with Bray, Ross,’ the old man says. Literally. Word for word
The old man is sitting in the corner of what was once Shanahan’s on the Green, sucking on a Cohiba the size of a Daihatsu exhaust. Hosted on...
‘Sorcha, I don’t need ChatGPT to tell me how to talk to my daughter and the girl she’s seeing’
Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of...
‘Potatoes au gratin? My old dear used to say they’re for people with money but no class’
“Come in,” she goes. This is Bernie I’m quoting – word for word, by the way – as in, like, Bernie the mother of Claire from, like, Bray of a...
We’re driving through Donnybrook and Sorcha shouts ‘Stop!’
“Stop!” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, we’re driving through Donnybrook at the time. I generally slow down anyway as we’re passing the spot where Ki...
‘Ross,’ Sorcha goes, ‘we’re not going to Dubai. We cancelled because of the war.’ I’m there, ‘What war?’ and I genuinely mean it
The airport is absolutely rammers and I’m in – it has to be said – scintillating form, so much so that Sorcha actually remorks on it. Hosted...