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The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard. See acast.com/privacy for privacy and opt-out information.
So I’m in the gym and I’m bench-pressing, I don’t know, something ridiculous, when all of a sudden there’s someone standing over me and – ye...
The old man is sitting in the corner of what was once Shanahan’s on the Green, sucking on a Cohiba the size of a Daihatsu exhaust. Hosted on...
Sorcha asks me how I’m feeling and I tell her I’m in scintillating form – especially after the win over Sale yesterday. I’m half-thinking of...
“Come in,” she goes. This is Bernie I’m quoting – word for word, by the way – as in, like, Bernie the mother of Claire from, like, Bray of a...
“Stop!” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, we’re driving through Donnybrook at the time. I generally slow down anyway as we’re passing the spot where Ki...
The airport is absolutely rammers and I’m in – it has to be said – scintillating form, so much so that Sorcha actually remorks on it. Hosted...
I can’t believe it. I can’t believe this is actually happening ? Yeah, no, you always try to think about worst case scenarios in your head –...
This is me in my – yeah, no – absolute happy place. Castlerock College jersey with the collar popped. Rugby Tactics Book under my orm. The m...
So it’s, like, 11 o’clock on Sunday morning and I’m hord at work – albeit still in bed – making notes in my famous Rugby Tactics Book. Sorch...
“Kicker!” the old man has the actual nerve to go. “To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more...
Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And it’s far from it. I could give her a list of 50 things, except I doubt if it would h...
There’s no sugar-coating this one. We’ve been taken to the literally cleaners today. Yeah, no, beaten 45-10 by – and there’s easy way of say...
I’m like, “A what?” And Honor goes, “A double date. It’s cute.” I’m there, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Claire from Bray of all places–” Hosted on Aca...
Joy Felton – yeah, no, one of our neighbours – is standing at the front gates as I swing the cor into the driveway and she nearly ends up wi...
A Prius pulls up at the next pump, just as I’m imagining what topics my pep talk would touch on, and suddenly I hear the driver say my name....
So – yeah, no – I’m in the staffroom and I’m chatting to one or two teachers about the Leinster match against La Rochelle: Miss Casey, who t...
I’m packing away the last of the Christmas bits and – yeah, no – I’m throwing out the Advent calendar that someone sent me obviously as a jo...
“Okay,” I go, “today we’re going to work on one or two moves from this sacred text,” and I show the players my famous Rugby Tactics Book. Th...
Sorcha’s old dear has a scream on her like Wayne Bornes’s whistle. Sorcha’s old man is like, “What in the name of God?” and we all rush into...
“Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo,” Sorcha goes – and not for the first time since we left Dublin. “Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo.” And I’m there, “Don’t w...
The old man says he doesn’t think he’ll bother with Christmas this year – “what with everything”. By which he means, what with it being the...
Sorcha is in her – literally? – element. She goes, “This is gorgeous, isn’t it?” This being the humungous Christmas morket in – believe it o...
Ronan shows up at the front door wearing a Santa hat and a big smile. I’m there, “What are you, drunk?” because I’m aware that the Ireland s...
Things have been a bit – yeah, no – strained between Christian and me ever since he got back with his ex-wife, Lauren. I told him straight o...
The front door slams and the entire orangerie – built without planning permission at the height of the Celtic Tiger – shakes to its foundati...
The room is absolutely rammers and I’m listening outside the door as various randomers talk s, h, one, t, about me and my famous coaching me...
There’s a meeting. That’s the big news of the day. I’m like, “What kind of a meeting?” And Fionn goes, “Ross, you’re not invited.” Hosted on...
“Here, Rosser,” Ronan goes, pouring me a lorge glass of red, “get yisser laughing gear around that.” Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy...
So – yeah, no – the kids are all standing around me in a semi-circle and they’re, like, hanging on my every word. And I’m in my absolute ele...
Sorcha is up to pretty much 90. It’s the night of Honor’s debs and we’re all waiting for her date, Iarlaith – yeah, no, a girl – to arrive....
The street in front of the restaurant is absolutely rammers and I spot quite a few familiar faces – we’re talking former government minister...
Sorcha lets out a scream when she sees me. It reminds me of the time during the recession when her BT loyalty cord was downgraded from Plati...
This is me in my absolute element. I’m there, “Rugby is a sport in which you travel forwards by going backwards, in which to succeed is to ‘...
Sorcha says she’s delighted for my old man. Yeah, no, as you may or may not have read in the pages of this paper, he and Hennessy Coghlan-O’...
It’s finally here. A day I’ve dreamt about for, like, 12 years. Brian, Johnny and Leo are storting school in Castlerock College, where their...
“I remember when you got your Leaving Cert results,” Sorcha’s old man goes. “I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you, Dorling.” Hoste...
So – yeah, no – we’re in the cor, on the way to the airport, to collect Honor, who’s coming home from her Leaving Cert holiday in, believe i...
So I’m walking around town with Ronan and – yeah, no – we’re playing a game we used to play when he was, like, eight years old: when we pass...
Sorcha tells Honor that she’s leaving it very late. Honor’s like, “What are you talking about?” And Sorcha goes, “I’m talking about the debs...
Sorcha says I can’t wear those. And I’m like, “My Dubes? What’s wrong with my Dubes?” She goes, “You can’t wear Dubes to a funeral, Ross. Pu...
“Okay,” the old man goes, “here’s another one you, Kicker!” because – yeah, no – he’s written a book of his Fifty Years of Letters to The Ir...
The room is absolutely rammers and through the door I spot so many faces from the past. We’re talking Angela and Dermot from the campaign to...
“What the fock?” Oisinn goes. “Are you serious?” I’m there, “Oh, I’m serious all right. I’m as serious as – well, you know what.” He goes, “...
“He must have been in a fight last night,” Sorcha goes. And – yeah, no – she’s talking about my brother slash half-brother, Brett. I’m there...
I’m like, “Bray?” And Sorcha’s there, “Yes, Ross – Bray!” I’m like, “But why do we have to go to Bray?” sounding like a spoiled child – in o...
So it’s, like, ridiculous o’clock on a Saturday morning – we’re talking nine, ten, something like that – and I hear a ring on the front door...
Sorcha thinks we should maybe check on Honor and there’s an air of definite excitement in her voice when she says it? Yeah, no, it’s the nig...
Sorcha tells me that I need to do something and obviously, I’m like, “Er – as in?” Yeah, no, Angela – the wife of my brother slash half-brot...
“So this dude here,” Oisinn goes – and he means me, “he tucks the ball under his orm, beats five players and crosses the try-line under the...
My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyone Hosted on Acast. Se...