A Report from the Phantom Zone

Some texts I or my friends have received during or after art openings. In no particular order. 1)This work is so bad. This wine is so bad. So many reasons to puke tonight. I'm going to puke tonight. Just puked. 2)Opening's warming up, a tranny just got here... 3)Artist statement is hippie crap all "harnessing positive energy". Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead 4)is your mom at the gallery? 5)Ha. Yes. I ditched the openings. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs 6)Why'd you bring her here? Your girlfriend is such a south jersey whore 7)I hate your face. I heard we made out 8) you never wrote back on my facebook wall 9) I quit. all artists suck. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge 10) Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too. 11) That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head. 12)Can't get out of the opening. Every time I try to leave, I have to say bye to someone else for like a 5 min. conversation. 13) yo i stole a wine glass from the party next door but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt 14) this art is predicting the future and apparently in the future we'll all be gay 15)I mean a good dj is a huge turn on 16) your dad is the best wingman ever 17)you dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter 18) we're facebook friends in real life 19) You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic 20) Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less 21) Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006 22) So I'm looking at this sculpture and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur" 23) WTF is with this opening? We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure. 24) I'm so fucking centered right now 25) I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them 26) she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords 27) I took shrooms and thc before coming out, but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks 28) I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane 29) Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal. 30) More tranny stories later! 31) Why do girls always cry in front of galleries? Are they having an exestensial crisis at the gallery? 32) I wish I could punch you in the face. 33) if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me 34) You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you 35) Ppl just aren't as funny as we are 36) the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker. 37) It's not a performance piece. Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance 38) Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious. 39) This gallery smells like vodka and shame 40) remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck. 41) i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd. 42) Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing? 43) Real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club 44) I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that artist 45) that chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick. 46) Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy 47) A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women 48) No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat. 49) I wish my penis had an off switch 50) I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting 51) I hate you but I'm not in hate with you 52) Drawing on your hand and calling it art is crap! 53) Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods 54) she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat. 55) im ready to get crazy and take my wig off 56) Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you? 57) someone just threw a dead crab at me 58) it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident. 59) Holy cold harsh reality of bad art batman 60) It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts. See more texts from last night here Do you have some texts from art openings that you'd like to share? Add them to the comment section: The Sham Wow Guy: A Brian Berman Furry Photo

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A Report from the Phantom Zone is an episode from Steve Aishman Photography.

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This episode was published on May 17, 2010.

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