
Auld Lang Syne
Boney M, 1981 — One last treat for you, since it’s Christmas and all. Happy New Year!
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Part advent calendar, part dumping ground for all the weird and wonderful Christmas music I have accumulated. 100% Celine Dion-free, and that is a promise.

Boney M, 1981 — One last treat for you, since it’s Christmas and all. Happy New Year!

Brenda Kutz White, 1985 — You know, I think that’s it. I’m done. I quit. This has gone too far. I just can’t do it anymore. Not now. Not aft...

Tom Waits, 1989 — Sweet mother of mercy, that voice.

Mistletoe Disco Band, 1980 — Christmas and Disco, together at last.

Billy Gilman & Rosie O’Donnell, 2000 — I’m not a violent man, but the first time I heard this song, I was waiting in a long line at Best Buy...

RuPaul, 1993 — Back to back Drummer Boys! RuPaul doesn’t have as much of an ego about his/her rendition, dropping the definite article “the”...

Ringo Starr, 1999 — Ringo Starr would like to take this opportunity to remind you that he was in the Beatles. Ever heard of them?

Pebbles & Bamm Bamm, 1965 — This seems like a pretty bizarre choice of song for a pair of pre-historic toddlers to sing. Especially when you...

C-3PO, R2-D2, and Friends, 1980 — Good tune or not, you’ve gotta admit it’s a tough question to answer.

Evie Tornquist, 1977 — Christmas is all about traditions. For me, as a kid, the Christmas season hadn’t begun until we’d picked up my prodig...

Robert Goulet, 1969 — That’s not just a warm sentiment, either. You’d better hurry your jingle-bell-jinglin’ ass home or, well, the reindeer...

Cindy Brady, 1970 — Quite possibly the all-time worst interpretation of this particular holiday classic, which is an accomplishment, because...

Christmas Accordion, ???? — I have next to nothing on this one, but who doesn’t love Christmas carols played on an accordion?

Crash Test Dummies, 1991 — I might have more to say about this song if I could get past the first 14 seconds. When played back on high-end s...

The Pointer Sisters, 1987 — And he’s bringing assless chaps for all the girls and boys.

David Seville & The Chipmunks, 1959 — You’re almost certainly familiar with the Chipmunks’ song where Alvin wants a hula-hoop. This one is d...

Little Rita Faye, 1953 — After her music career didn’t pan out, Little Rita Faye found her calling teaching abstinence-only sex education to...

Buck Owens & His Buckaroos, 1968 — Leave it to a country singer to tell it like it is about Christmas consumerism. Things haven’t gotten muc...

The Golddiggers, 1969 — There’s a virtual truckload of information on the innermets about The Golddiggers, but I didn’t really read any of i...

Gospel Bill, 1981-ish — I couldn’t find a ton of information about this one, but it appears to be from a special christmas episode of an ear...

Bryan Adams, 1984 — I don’t know what manner of record producer looked at the world’s christmas music offerings and decided he needed Bryan...

Cheekyboy, 2006 — This is genius: what happens when you put DJ Kool’s classic Let Me Clear My Throat in a darkened room with Hillary Duff an...

Pete Fountain, 1967 — Nothing says “rock” like a clarinet solo, so if you’re Pete Fountain and you find yourself making a Christmas record,...

Cyndi Lauper, 1998 — We all know what she was getting at with She Bop, but what the hell is Christmas Conga? I guess it’s what you do when y...

Ray Bolger, 1963 — Yes, that Ray Bolger. He wasn’t just a figment of Dorothy’s imagination. In real life he wrote and performed songs about...

Boney M, 1981 — From the German-by-way-of-the-West-Indies mastermind who brought us BABY DO YOU WANNA BUMP comes this handsome retelling of...

The Three Suns, 1952 — Okay, maybe Christmas polka is a good idea. Wow, are we done already? Merry Christmas, everyone! See you next year!

Liberace, 1974 — Look, I don’t know what you’re talking about, he’s just eccentric. Lots of guys wear fur coats and diamond rings and eye ma...

Robert Goulet, 1969 — I’ll cut right to the chase: a reindeer told Robert Goulet that Santa Claus, like the old testament God of the Israeli...

69 Boyz, Quad City DJ’s, and K-Nock, 2000 — Hey Player! If you’re like me, you’re terrible at providing your friends and family with a reaso...

Bobby Vinton, 1987 — Christmas polka? Who thought this would be a good idea? “Santa must be Polish/All dressed in red and white/Slipping dow...

New Kids on the Block, 1989 — I can’t believe anyone ever took these guys seriously. It would be such brilliant self-parody if only they wer...

Patsy Raye, 1959 — So I guess this is what hipsters were like in the late fifties. That is, if hipsters wrote poetry about Christmas and per...

William Hung, 2004 — This isn’t really fair, because William Hung’s entire career is based on the fact that his singing is terrible. And to...

Sonny James, 1966 — I don’t really have anything clever to say about this one, except that those kids on the chorus make my ears cry. Instea...

C-3PO, Jon Bon Jovi, and some Star Kids or something, 1980 — First of all, yes, this is a Star Wars Christmas song. And yes, the whole recor...

Johnny Paycheck, 1993 — Johnny Paycheck is probably the greatest country singer you’ve never paid attention to. What I love about this tune...

New Edition, 1985 — New Edition is indirectly responsible for unleashing a whole lot of crap on the world. From establishing the template fo...

Captain Kangaroo, 1962 — Captain Kangaroo explains puberty to a fir tree. “Little fir tree, don’t cry so much/You’ll be a Christmas tree nex...

Extreme, 1992 — Isn’t Extreme supposed to be a metal band? Has anyone heard an Extreme song that’s even remotely — in the hard rockin’ sense...

Jimmy Osmond, 1976 — For my money, it just doesn’t get any better than thirteen-year-old Jimmy Osmond pleading with Santa not to bring him a...

Grandaddy, 2000 — The best part about this dead-pan farce of a Christmas tune is that you get the sense that Grandaddy really does admire Pa...

Burl Ives, 1968 — A brown-nosing mouse wraps up a piece of cheese as a gift for Santa Claus, who names him “Santa Mouse,” and lets him hang...

Paul Revere and the Raiders, 1967 — Arguably the biggest band to come out the northwest (if you ignore that whole grunge thing), Paul Revere...

Tony! Toni! Toné!, 1990 — This is just embarrassing. It sounds like it could easily have been an outtake from some forgotten holiday special...

Bryan Adams, 1985 — I told you there’d be Bryan Adams. In a shining example of the over-wrought power balladry that made your sister cry in...

Bob Loftis, 1974 — The premise is simple: contrary to popular belief, Santa Claus is in fact a Texan, and something of a cowboy, though inst...

Prince and the Revolution, 1984 — Revolution-era Prince sings to his dead girlfriend, reminiscing about swimming and gambling (well, pokeno)...

Lou Monte, 1967 — One of the most important functions of art is to help us convey complicated ideas in a meaningful way, forging relationshi...

Kurtis Blow, 1979 — Ignore the obvious pun in the title and the lack of any discernable hook, this novelty track was perhaps the first chart...